The Friday prayer blues

Page 50
Q-News, Issue 362
April 2005

Hamzah Moin looks forward to Friday prayers. It’s an opportunity to worship together with friends and get some much-needed spiritual advice - except when the khateeb can’t speak English or is convinced that the ummah can only be saved if young Muslims get married early.

Yes, Jummah is a time where we all cram together in one room and listen to an inspiring khutbah. Unfortunately, the khutbahs can range from outstanding to just plain “what-the-hell-was-that?” The khateebs are equally very colourful. Here are a few of my favourites:

The Broken English Khateeb
It’s not really Arabic, and it’s not really English. Basically it’s a bastardisation of both languages. The only thing anyone will understand is the Assalamu Alaikum at the beginning and the occasional grunts and screams.

The Under-FBI-Watch Khateeb
This khateeb is the most extreme. One too many conspiracy theories and questionable topics in his khutbah (Jews are better pilots than Muslims, Christmas promotes hatred, etc.) You’ll know a khateeb is under FBI watch when there are more “white converts” in black suits in the crowd. Coincidentally, all these converts have shades on. The black suits attend these khutbahs until the khateeb speaks about friendlier topics (i.e. Love everybody, love animals, etc.)

The Angry Khateeb
This khateeb woke up on the wrong side of the bed or perhaps, he stubbed his toe on the way to jummah or spilt coffee on his thobe. Perhaps he entered the mosque with his left foot or filled up his lota with scorching hot water? It is unknown what makes an angry khateeb so angry but it’s most likely due to a sequence of regrettable events. The angry khateeb also likes to point at random people in the crowd while he delivers his sermon. Once such a khateeb pointed at me and screamed that if I don’t watch my wife closely enough or if I commit adultery, I’ll go to hell. Now, I’m not married so my first reaction was to blush - I was flattered that he thought I was a married man. Oddly, I was only 12 years old when this incident happened. Getting married young is quite the controversial subject...

The Marry-Your-Kids-Early Khateeb
This particular Khateeb has an obsession with early marriage. He looks at school calendars for term holidays and volunteers to make khutbahs at weddings held during that period. He talks about how pornography is haram and that marrying early is the best thing for this ummah. Now, getting married right out of high school is a bit extreme for me but this khateeb says that if you have hormones, you’ve gotta get them under control. The only halal way to control your hormones is to marry that cute girl in your biology class or that handsome boy you see in the cafeteria at lunch. No time to get to know them…get married NOW!

The We-Suck-Today-But-Our-Past-Was-Awesome Khateeb
This is the standard khateeb. He tells us how lacking we are today and how our past was awesome. No…better than awesome. Outstandingly, fantabulously astonishing. But, today we’re in the pits. The khateeb will go on and on about how much we suck and describe that the main reason we’re going downhill is because our kids aren’t married or because America is repressing Islam or something. This khateeb will also talk about how Muslims invented all sorts of gizmos and gadgets. He’ll start off with algebra and chemistry but he’ll move on to other things like microwaves, automobiles, the wheel... as if we invented everything in the entire world and more. The khateeb will then finish off with promises that we will one day rule Rome because “the conquest of Rome is one of the signs of the Day of Judgment.” Inshallah, this will one day happen but the FBI agents in the crowd just raise their eyebrows. The Coliseum is ours, suckas.

The Jewophobic Khateeb
These khateebs are the most inflammatory but our ingenious mosques still invite them to speak. These khateebs go on and on about how Jews are “treacherous” and how all of them are “secretly plotting to kill us or make a lot of money”…possibly both. A Jew probably bullied this poor khateeb when he was little. The khutbah will start sounding like a zoo where the khateeb starts describing Jews as monkeys, cows, pigs and every other animal you can think of. This bit is particularly educational for young toddlers being taught of the animal kingdom but please, it ain’t worth it -  keep these khateebs away from the minbar.

The Ebert-and-Roeper Khateeb
These Khateebs are somewhat modern. They watch a few of  the movies that are currently out in theatres. Naturally, these movies have an “anti-Islam agenda” and have “filth that our Muslim youth shouldn’t watch.” Make sure you marry the youth early. The Khateeb will proceed to give a thumbs down to every movie currently out in theatres because there’s too many “kissing scenes” and “curse words.” Let the Khateeb watch movies but YOU shouldn’t watch them.

The We’re-Not-Terrorists Khateeb
In case you forget, this khateeb will remind you that Islam is a peaceful religion and Muslims are never terrorists. We need reminders like this every other week, perhaps because we have short-term memory.