Where are the eligible bachelors?

The search for a marital match has become mission impossible. Why are such an alarming number of young Muslim women giving up their quest for Mr. Right? Muslim men may complain about being single, but it is high time, Ayisha Ali argues that they stand up and be counted.

Page 23
Q-News, Issue 358
December 2004

“Handsome brother seeks attractive sister for halal relationship to work together to suppress temptations of Shaytan. I want wife to enjoy romantic Islamic walks along path to jannah. I want us to have many good Muslim babies for future Muslim ummah. She must enjoy to cook and clean.”

A woman’s tragedy is her ‘sell by date’. Once dust gathers on the shelf, we are well and truly left there. Men however, always have their shelves dusted. Everyday I hear cries from female friends who are “going to be single forever”, and end up in The Guinness Book of World Records as “the oldest spinsters known to mankind”. It’s certainly plausible, given the increasing number of highly ‘undesirable’ men on the market. ‘Undesirable’ being men who think that calling out “Mashallah Baby” is flattering, or those who assume a large, un-kempt beard is an adequate enough love-nest for a wife. 

So where are the eligible Muslim men? By eligible I mean those who don’t fall into the following categories:

• - Men who enforce that women be dressed in black from head-to-toe, and believe the only acceptable educational degrees are those which carry weight in the kitchen. One friend’s husband made her dress full-throttle in black around the house when they were alone. Being ‘obedient’, she went the extra mile and wore it to bed too.
• - Men who, after years of religious apathy, re-route onto ‘Islam’s path’, expect forgiveness, yet bear heavy judgement on women who haven’t always been the moral clones of Snow White.
• - Men who, forget the concept of “Fresh Off The Boat”, are well and truly ‘Still On The Boat’.
• - Men sporting ‘poser’ attitudes whilst driving, blaring music, and giving women ‘the look’ (think Peugeot 206 advert in India).
• - And finally, men who, beer in one hand and a joint in the other, lecture women on their religious duties.       
  

Forgive me if I appear to be generalising. I’m not. I firmly believe there exists a normal breed. Its men however are ‘hibernating’. I use ‘hibernating’, because I have faith they haven’t disappeared into oblivion, and will re-emerge. For the sake of human salvation and female sanity, awaken from your slumber and make your presence known. Don’t be tarnished by the same brushes.

Sadly, it appears women can’t have standards in men. Women looking for any attributes beyond ‘a Muslim,’ are automatically shallow. Unless they readily accept a man who is a foot shorter than them, obnoxious, mind numbingly dull, can barely speak English, and takes religion to extreme proportions, they are picky. Or unless they accept the proposal of a geriatric farmer, whose converted barn is his ‘halal harem’ for several wives and tens of children, they are ungrateful. Of course, turning down such ‘opportunities’, gives women no leeway to complain about single-dom! 

God forbid a woman should want someone who is smart, funny, educated, professional, decent and respectful. God forbid a woman should want a man who practices Islam in a moderate, non-judgemental way. God forbid a woman should want a husband who understands and implements the basic tenants of women’s Islamic rights within society and within marriage. Sure it’s an added bonus if he resembles Johnny Depp, and his bank account puts Bill Gates to shame, but note I said ‘added bonus’, not ‘criteria’.

As for what men want, to be honest, I’m confused. Again, I refer to the breed with the representative presence, not the silent eligibles.

Women can’t be too forward - this signifies desperation. Being blasé signifies playing hard to get. Being too quiet signifies being boring and brainless. Being too loud signifies being domineering and heartless. Wanting a good life signifies being materially high-maintenance. Women must have degrees, qualifications and a good career - which can’t be used when married. If ‘permitted’ to have a career, women can’t be more successful than their husbands. Women can’t have opinions - unless they check beforehand they are also their husbands’ opinions. They must have a Michelin star rating as a chef, be able to knock up a banquet on demand, and simultaneously look immaculately beautiful. They must be charming, good natured, and humorous, but can’t laugh out loud or smile in public - this signifies jezebel flirtatiousness.  

I suggest crash courses on ‘How to have a Split Personality’ and ‘How to be a Robotic Magician’. Surely women must accept responsibility, and not blame the audacity of men who think a woman’s abilities transcend those that are God-given.

Oh and I wont forget to mention judgment imposed on women who don’t wear hijab. Even if decently dressed, she is ‘loose’, and not marriage material. Reality check - a woman without a headscarf, can be decent and God fearing, and doesn’t necessarily occupy every hour buying lipstick and committing mortal sins. What confuses me is a commonplace double standard. So to the Muslim man in Sainsbury’s who followed a friend to the seafood aisle, told her prawns were haram, questioned her lack of hijab, then requested her phone number, go educate yourself.    

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not painting all women with an angelic brush. Of course, some women are high maintenance and difficult. Yes some women expect a significant stake in the South African diamond market as a basic dowry. Yes some women, whilst not working, also refuse to cook, clean, look after children, or pretty much do anything that requires the off-chance they might break into a sweat, or lose a false nail. Yes some women spout contradictory ‘feminist’ arguments to suit their moods. And yes some women’s constant moaning and nagging, makes medieval torture an appealing alternative. I acknowledge, Muslim men also have difficulty in their quest for a woman.

Here’s the difference however. Men, as is the status quo, are the ones to approach women. It’s not, with the exception of rare cases, the other way around. Men can sift through different species of woman to narrow their search. Women don’t have this luxury when man-hunting.     

In a man’s quest for a bride, he can knock on many doors to meet potentials. He then decides whom he might like to see again. Most women must wait to be approached. So not only are they expected to patiently contemplate what to wear, should a knock come, but are expected to feel privileged to get a look in. A friend was one of three girls visited by the same man within one day (the girls, who knew one another, found out later by chance).

Men can also include women of ‘the Book’ in their search criteria. Adding on, some parents who happily accept their sons marrying a Muslim from a different ethnic background, will disown their daughters for venturing into such ‘wilderness.’ How this second point ties in with Islam’s universality and equality between the sexes, is beyond me. People ought to stop assuming that God only sends a woman a naseeb who is, not only of the same ethnicity, but also from the same group of huts in her village ‘back home’.   

So with more limitations, what can women do?

Well, we can search through internet profiles and personal ads.  And by the way, shame on those of you who stigmatise them as avenues that only desperate undesirable’s take. They do serve a needed purpose. I know of several success stories. However, few, have the time, patience, or mental and emotional energy to plough through hundreds of cringe-worthy submissions:          

“Handsome brother (Masha-Allah) seeks attractive sister for halal relationship to work together to suppress temptations of Shaytan. I want wife to enjoy romantic Islamic walks along path to Jannah. I want us work to have many good Muslim babies for future Muslim ummah. She must enjoy to cook and clean.”

“Muslim brother seeks Muslim sister for marriage. I am God fearing, honest, generous, romantic, rich, and physically resemble Hercules. I run a successful business, speak twenty languages, volunteer at an orphanage, cook, write poetry, debate, and work on cancer cures. Must enjoy shopping and delegating household chores. Looks and weight don’t matter.”

If this guy really existed, he would be museum bound, and be the moral justification for cloning!   

Currently, women in their mid-twenties onwards have a higher chance of being abducted by aliens, than of receiving a promising marriage proposal. I have friends who are beautiful (yes, truly beautiful), intelligent, funny, educated, professional, decent, respectful and Islamically minded. They are not single because they ‘can’t get a man’.  On the contrary, they have many men expressing interest. The problem is none of these men are Muslim.

We grow up in mixed environments, are educated in mixed environments, and work in mixed environments. Yet when it comes to functions organised by many Muslim groups, it’s deemed almost satanic for men and women to sit within a twenty five foot radius of one another, let alone interact with one another in a decent, dignified manner. Illogically, the same Muslim men and women who see one another out-doors, are partitioned behind bullet-proof curtains, indoors. Perhaps being in ‘closed’ quarters hinders the ability of these men to concentrate and function. I’m surprised they haven’t tried to pressure the government into introducing segregated public transport, supermarkets and hospitals (although I hear few complaints when they are tended to by attractive female nurses in uniform!).

I’m not suggesting Muslim organised events become marital cattle markets. There’s a time and place for everything. It is off-putting when Muslims turn up spouse prowling. Thanks but no thanks, I haven’t attended the conference on Islamic banking to look for a husband. And my not sporting a wedding ring doesn’t mean I’m going to automatically hand over my contact details, and set a wedding date. Unfortunately, the lack of normal, community based, social interaction, leads to such behavior.

Historically the Mosque served many purposes within society. Aside from a place for prayer, it was an educational, social, sports and medical establishment. It was the community centre where everyone gathered and knew one another. Unfortunately this is no longer the case, more so for those who live outside the framework of a large family/community based environment.

Our societal weaknesses need to be addressed, and adequate solutions found. This particular problem, like many others, needs to be addressed within the context of Islam, and modern day realities. And before the declaration of a death-driven fatwa for my head emerges, I will clarify something. This doesn’t mean I believe in religiously legitimising dating and ‘promiscuity.’ Islam is logical, moderate and practical. I readily acknowledge that in the current climate, the extreme to which ‘free-mixing’ has been taken, has bred a plethora of deepening social problems. Muslim’s however have taken the concept of ‘mixed interaction’ to another extreme, resulting in the eruption of a different set of social concerns.

Those who think they will fornicate the moment they are confronted with the opposite sex are concerning. Advice - ‘psychological analysis’. Fact is, temptation exists everywhere, whether it’s the office Adonis, or Mr. Muscles at the bus stop. People are more likely to ‘fall’ to temptation when they lack support networks, in environments where people have different moral boundaries. And unfortunately this is what’s happening. 

Community based social forums, where Muslims of all ages can interact decently, are needed. Getting to know one another in settings where marriage is not necessarily on the table is also important, as it minimizes farce, judgment and embarrassment. Really, it’s hard enough deciding which shoes to pack for vacation, let alone whether or not to marry someone based on ten minutes ‘alone’ with them in a surveillance tight room. Did the Prophet, peace be upon him not meet his wife Khadija when working for her?


Irrational, ignorant mentalities, alien to even the Dark Ages, have replaced Islam’s logic. Many Muslims are rejecting their communities, and seeking their own paths. Some have few Muslim friends. Some fall into the ‘dating-game.’ Some, through lack of options, marry more out of desperation than compatibility. Some marry non-Muslims. Some explore avenues (oblivious to their parents) such as speed-dating. Consequentially, ‘Single-Syndrome’ amongst Muslims is increasing.

Those outraged by my comments will no doubt conclude them as ‘insecurities’ stemming from an ‘un-Islamic’ woman who is obviously ‘unattractive and undesirable.’ How boringly predictable! Alas so be it. But that doesn’t change the fact of the problem.

So what are we going to do about it?